Saara Herne
Climate change artist
Blogpost no. 5: March 15th 2020. Corona craziness:
In these corona-crisis times, everybody seems to have something on their minds. And, of course, that includes me, so here comes a long one:
Some things haven’t changed at all. Here on week what-seems-like-9-million after the Danish government decided to close down the country, we still have to deal with the same challenges as usual with the kids:
- My youngest has fluid in her ears, and can’t hear a thing we say. Which also means she yells absolutely everything: CAN I HAVE AN APPLE???? DO YOU WANT TO PLAY LEGO????? WHAT IS ELSA’S LAST NAME??????!!!!!! So right about now, I’m seriously considering ear-plugs….
- My middle child has headlice. Which we of course found out after the pharmacy was closed….
- My oldest is grumpy as ever, because he isn’t allowed to play FIFA, Roblox or Minecraft every second of every minute of every hour of the day.
Same ol’ same ol’.
But the main thing that has changed around here, is that society has changed. Some people apparently feel the need to stockpile loads of hand sanitizer, toilet paper, yeast and milk. That they somehow are more important that the rest of Denmark, the rest of the world. Gathering in lines, breathing up-and-down each others’ necks, as soon as the Danish prime minister explicitly told everybody not to. Not to gather in large groups, and that there is food enough for everybody. I seriously hope these people feel extreme guilt and extremely stupid, since two days later, the supermarkets yet again are stocked with toilet paper and other goods that people have hoarded bunches of just days ago.
But what’s worse, is that people have started to steal facemasks, hand sanitizer and other protective gear from hospitals – from the people in the front-line, who are working their asses off to save the lives of patients infected with coronavirus! How can people without conscience STEAL these vital and fundamental tools for keeping the staff safe?! How DARE people be so egoistic, careless and fucking stupid??!! It has also happened at my job as well, where a box of facemasks disappeared, resulting in the need to keep this vital gear locked up, and my boss only handing out small amounts at a time.
And speaking of my work: even though I am pregnant, I work in the social sector, in a housing for people suffering from mental illness. I am not working in an acute function, but I am still needed as a nurse since the vulnerable people who live here rely on help 24/7. Because even though society, the borders and schools have shut down, my job continues to function, and we are told that “we are needed now more than ever”. We are working on with only emergency response, lower staff, and exposing ourselves daily to the corona-threat, because we are needed. And even though I don’t work with patients at a hospital, the people who live where I work are some of those who are especially exposed to getting extremely sick if they get infected with coronavirus.
And at home, my husband gets to stay with our three kids, of three different ages, and therefore with three totally different needs. And if it sounds like I’m jealous, that’s a mistake; because I am totally not! Since the kids have to stay home from school, they still need to keep somewhat up with their education, basic needs like food and water, help with handling conflicts between each other, and stimulating their different needs with different tasks. And my youngest isn’t even a school child, but usually goes to an out-doors kindergarten, so her energy-level is off the roof! Plus, she’s really good at teasing her two older siblings. So meanwhile, my husband has to stay at home and considering their every needs, he is also one of the people who is sent home still to do his work! He has to do fulltime work WHILST taking care of our kids, at a home office. So, like I said, I’m totally not jealous! I go to work to relax…
But what makes me fucking angry, is other people! Other people stocking up on toilet paper. Other people gathering in supermarkets, only thinking of themselves. Other people stealing the necessary protective gear. And other people who are sent home for weeks, WITH PAY for your information, who keep shopping, keep gathering with family and friends, keep partying and keep pretending like nothing has changed. People who behave like they now have unnumbered weeks paid “vacation”, free to do as they please, and not taking the threat of coronavirus seriously. I fucking loath this attitude! It is so disrespectful to the people, people like pregnant-me still going to work, disrespectful to people who have no choice but to stay in the front-line of the field, and especially disrespectful towards the elderly, the chronically sick, the people with weakened immune system - people where corona-virus is a serious threat to their heath and lives.
So even though things haven’t changed at my home, my kids still tease each other, my husband is still annoying and doesn’t do the dishes the way I want, my house is still filled with laundry (both dirty and clean), the kids’ toys are spread out everywhere, and my fruit bowl is now empty – I will go to work tomorrow, keep my safety precautions, and hope that when all this is over, we will all be more united – because right now it feels more like “every man for himself”. When all this is over, then comes the aftermath which none of us are immune from.
So please, think about what you do and how you do it, because in the end it could end up affecting lives – even your own.
And what the fuck does all this have to do with art, you say? Well, being a full-time mom, full-time nurse, full-time human being living in a society affected my covid-19, I barely have any time to myself. Even when I come home from work, there are kids everywhere (my own mind you), and since both my husband and kids are all at home 24/7, they leave little time for me when I get home to be alone, or be in a creative space. I, of course, also want to be together with them after I get home from work, but since no playdates are allowed, no icehockey, no social interaction and no hanging-out, we are forced to be together as a family all day every day. I can’t even go to the toilet by myself!! So the time and space for being creative is not now, I admire (and am a bit jealous) of the artists who are home and can do nothing except create art and be in a mindfull and peacefull state of creativeness. Me, I’m right now more in a state of craziness…
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Blogpost No 4.: 4th December 2019. A misconceived calling.
So not long ago, I met up with 4 fantastic women. These are all women who I went to nursing school with, almost a decade ago. We try to gather a few times a year, to meet up, catch up and hear what’s going on with each other. We talk about friends, family, food, kids – and last but not least: work.
But this last time we met up, was a gamechanger, and a real eye-opener for me. Because we talked about the usual subjects, the kids, the school, the husbands, the heaps of laundry, the enjoyments and frustrations of motherhood. But we also discussed and talked alot about our working and our practicing as nurses. We have all gone and worked in different positions as nurses, but suddenly a very real issue, became very evident for me. After we talked for a while, it dawned in me that out of the five of us, four have at some point in our career been on sick-leave sue to stress. FOUR out of five!! This including me.
And for me personally, I have always been a sensitive, somewhat darkminded and melancholic person, with tendencys of overthinking, overdrinking, over eating, over-run with feelings and emotions. So it wasn't a surprise for we when I had to be sick at my work due to stress - where I felt too much pressure, too much responsibility, too many patients where I ended up having too many thoughts about "did I do enough, was I a good enough nurse, could I have done things differently" etc.
But realizing that all these other women, wonderful, fantastic, resourceful, strong and excellent and dutiful nurses - three of them had also at some point in their career, been utterly worn down by the system. This is scary shit! And this is definitely not OK!
I feel sad, hopeless and angry. That we, as women, as mothers, as individuals, as human beings, are pushed to the point of a break down. Both physical and mental break down. Due to a "simple" job.
I haven't researched more or larger groups of nurses, but I fear and suspect that this statistic will be able to be applied in most of the fields of nursing.
The inhumane working hours, nightshifts, weekend shifts, hospitals overcrowded with sick and/or dying patients, sick or dying children, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, sons, daughters, husbands, wives. Taking care of patients with diarrhea everywhere, vomit everywhere, blood everywhere, oozing, infected and smelling wounds. Lousy pay, continuous budget cuts. Expeced efficiency of documentation, of nursing skills, of overtaking more and more doctor's work, without the status or paycheck. Overwhelming patient storys, tragedies and losses that you are expected to be empathetic about, but with distance in keeping in mind you are a nurse and not a relative, keep containing, keep containing, keep fucking containing.
We are treated like robots not humans, as we are as nurses forced to treat our patients: as robots not humans.
I am happy that the Danish government has decided to take 1000 more nurses into the Danish hospital system in the next coming years, but I am very curious as to where the nurses will come from. Are they suspected to work under the same conditions as we have up until now..? For the same lousy pay as we have been given up until now..? If so I suspect that will be a strenuous task which won't have the outcome they wished for.
If the government, the people, YOU want more nurses, the conditions need to be changed. Drastically.
And looking back, re-reading this, I'm actually not that surprised, that four out of five of us have been sick due to work-related stress.
Would you be able to do it?
And how are the conditions for nurses in your country?
And what the fuck does this have anything to do with art, you say?
Well, since I can't live off my art and I have a house and three kids to feed, I need money in my pocket, man. And since I took an education as a nurse, of course this is what I work as (and also what I want to work as, IF the conditions change).
But in being totally mentally and physically worn out and drained from my work, I have had little or no energy, time, or room for much creativity in my mind. All my energy had gone in keeping myself together, and the stress had also drained my creative mindset. It was all just about survival! Surviving one more day, getting it together just one more day, looking forward to the one day a week off work, or the weekend, where all my energy and time went on gathering energy to the next following day or week. So being creative and painting and drawing hadn't been at the top of my list, because even thou I know it's good for me, I should keep doing it despite being stressed, I am just human. And I simply couldn't.
Right now, I am working as a nurse for a private company, where I choose which days I want to work, when and where I want to work, I never need to take another night shift ever again if I don't want to, plus I get paid more. I never thought I would work in the private sector, but I must say, the conditions are significantly better.
And on the art-front, I acutally have some news soon, so stay tuned!
Blogpost no. 3: 16th November 2019. Just Don't Do It.
So, I have recently read some really inspiring articles. One was about a mom and what she doesn't do. That instead of focusing on the things and activities we do, we should start appraising and being honest about what we don't do.
The other was about a scientific phenomenon I didn’t know existed, that apparently 70 % of us humans have what is known as impostermoments. And I must say; I have experienced these moments. A lot!
Focusing on the things we do do (hæhæ "doodoo") makes us try to achieve much more than we are humanly capable of, makes us more insecure, makes us set (often unrealistic) goals that never were meant to be achieved. We start to only feel satisfied when completing said goals, and the goals often need to be bigger, crazier, un-attainable to others (just look at e.g. the Ironman, extreme sports, crossfit era we are living in. Only few decades back, running a marathon was something only extreme athletes could achieve. Now, you’re basically just mediocre if you complete one). And we tend to measure ourselves with other people, other parents, other moms, which sets pressure on ourselves. That we want to, and should be, like these superpeople, these supermoms ourselves. Or: if they can do it, why can't I? If they do it, so should I. It is a deroute in life, in motherhood and being true to ourselves, both as parents, and as individuals. So I say, if they don't do it, neither will I!
So here is (a part) my list of things I don't do:
- I don't make a home cooked meal every evening (I hardly ever cook. Once a week MAX. The rest of the days we eat what my husband makes, or leftovers. Or bread!)
- I don't read to my kids every night (I let someone else do that. Thank you Audiobooks)
- I don't brush my kids’ hair every day (only when they shower)
- I don't shower every day (again, it is max once a week...)
- I don't do homework with my kids (that's what school's for, right?)
- I don't buy new clothes for my kids or myself (only second hand, and only when it is a necessity)
- I don't diet
- I don't exercise regularly (but sometimes freak and run 10 k in one hour, and think that's enough for this month)
- I don't keep calm when my kids fight (guess who's yelling the most....🙄)
- I don't have a career (I work as a nurse)
- I don't want to spend all my time with my kids (I need time to myself in order to be a better and more present mother)
- I don't stay up late (most evenings I'm in bed by 20...)
- I don't sleep in (most mornings I get up at 5 in order to enjoy my morning coffee peacefully and ALONE)
- I don’t always enjoy playing with my kids
- I don’t have energy for playgroups or playdates
- And to quote the most of Sam Cooks song: Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology. Don't know much about a science book. Don't know much about the French I took. But I do know that I love you. And I know that if you love me, too. What a wonderful world this would be. Don't know much about geography. Don't know much trigonometry. Don't know much about algebra. Don't know what a slide rule is for. But I do know one and one is two. And if this one could be with you. What a wonderful world this would be.
And in a way, that song is exactly what life is about. We need to stop comparing ourselves to each other, stop measuring our lives worth with how much we do and what we know. We can’t, and shouldn’t know everything about everything, and that’s ok!
And what the fuck does all thing have anything to do with art, you say?
Well, also being an artist, we always want to/have to/need to be progressive, showing our newest works, preferably better, bigger and more innovative than the last piece of art we have shown. The artworld is expanding rapidly on social medias, like everything else, and if you don’t want to be left out or forgotten – you have to show what you do. But nobody sees the work up to the final piece, the thoughts behind. The hours I’ve spent walking around, on my bike to work, or (seldomly) running, getting inspired. Seeing me at the artshop looking at paints, brushes and materials (and feeling choked about the prices and the amount of choices), me finally in front of the canvas feeling totally blank and worthless, working on many different canvases (and making sketches) at the same time making prototypes, most of them turning into utterly SHIT, and thrown in the trash or painted over (preferably totally black), to finally finding a sort of peace of mind and after many hours, days weeks, ending up with one piece of art that is just somewhat, to me, acceptable. The struggle is real, and we should all be better to show the work-in-progress. Also in life!
Because the most important thing is to be true to yourself. To be present. Be NOW. Because suddenly, the do’s that seemed so important at one time, just aren’t at all as important anymore. And when you look back, you’d wished you’d spent more time on doing nothing, enjoyed the don’ts, more than getting something done, things that in the long run don’t matter at all.
Besides, we weren't meant to live anybody else's life but our own. 🖤🖤🖤
Blogpost no. 2, 7th October 2019. Ice.
So. This one is about ice. This weekend was a great one, at least Saturday. One of my best friend's husband turned 40 and held a big party. And it was a drinks party. I usually only drink beer, cos that's just my taste. But the few beers that were at this party quickly ran out, and I was FORCED to drink drinks. Many drinks. And I didn't think I was that kinda person, who would enjoy pink, swirly, sparkly, sweet drinks. With umbrellas and fucking green leaves in it. But it was friggin awesome! Finding the drinkscard and deciding what drink to make. Mixing it in the shaker, and finally adding alot of ice. Like Jim Carrey said in dumb and dumber "I like it alot!" At least Saturday night. Sunday - not so much. Apparently drinks, e.i. booze, gives you a massive headache. So I wore my pyjamas all day Sunday and watched movies with the kids. Btw, love the movie Rise of The Guardians - with Jack Frost.
I have also started a new job, for a private nursing agency - and even though I primarily want to work with homeless people and drug addicts, I just needed a change in my working opportunities. I ride my bike around all day, visiting people in their homes, helping them with medication, wounds, compressions, basically all kinds of nursing skills. It is quite the opposite of what I'm used to doing, but it feels kinda great to have some basic nursing between my hands. But this week also came the first frost, and being outdoors alot of the day has tired me a lot. I definitely need to find my winter jacket and boots!
Right now I'm freezing in an ice hockey rink, watching my oldest play hockey. I seriously love this sport, and my son lives for it, so it is really cool to have time and opportunity to watch him play. The trainers are so awesome, and he keeps getting better with every training. But shitfuckmotherfuckershit is it cold to sit still and watch him play for two hours! Especially after having been outside most of the day. I need to bring a blanket and some coffee next time! Definitely coffee.
Aaaaaaand what the fuck does all this have anything to do with art, you say?
Well, between new job, crazy kids, ice hockey, biking to and from and at work, drinking drinks and being hungover - well, yet again, time to creative thinking and producing just is very narrow!
So, in order to be creative this month, I decided to take up the challenge of Inktober. I have no idea what the exact terms are, except having to made one ink drawing every day in the month of October. And so far, I love it! It is really fun and challenging, and for me the thing that works is the consistency in it. That it doesn't have to be many hours every day. But that I do HAVE to make a drawing every day. I hope I'll be able to keep this up the entire month - and maybe even make a habit of doodling more every day.
You can follow my works, if you want, on Instagram and Facebook.
Cheers and happy fucking Monday
Blogpost no. 2, 26th september 2019. Laundry, worms and other crap.
Recently I have had a lot of “aha” experiences.
“Ahaaa, so THAT’S what it looks like” experience No 1: So today I finally saw the bottom of my laundry basket. I have three kids, and they throw random shit in the laundry baskets all the time, clean clothes, dirty clothes, toys and shoes. Especially when I ask them to clean their shit up, everything just gets thrown in the basket. They hope I won’t notice, and they don’t want to spend their precious time sorting toys, finding puzzle pieces or making their bed. It’s just so fucking easy to throw all the crap into one basket, and pooof, the job is done. I’m thinking that maybe I could learn a thing or two from my kids…
“Ahaaaa, so THAT’S what it looks like” experience No 2: So apparently, they have worms in my daughter’s daycare. I was desperately hoping she wouldn’t get it, because, lets face it, worms are fucking disgusting. And she is pretty good at washing her hands. But alas, when I was getting her ready for bed, out from her butthole climbed a worm. A gross, small, white and surprisingly fast worm. My husband panicked and ran out of the room, so much for his help. And for those of you who have kids, you know it is gross but that basically every family gets it at one point or another (just like lice – ahh the joy of parenting). And for those of you who don’t have kids, and think we are the most disgusting family ever and you never wanna be near me or my family ever; I totally fucking understand. I don’t want to be near me either and this point. Or my kids for that matter…
“Ahaaaa, so THAT’S what it looks like” experience No 3: So, these days while being at home with my daughter, time just goes extremely slow. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with her – I love spending time with all my kids. But there’s just so much doll-playing, magnetic-sand-castle-making and peppa-pig watching a grownup can stand. So we went to the library for the first time in ages. And it was fucking fantastic! I had totally forgot about this magical place. I have always had a sort of book fetish, and love looking, touching, and reading all sorts of books; and I have a room filled with books in my house. Even though I don’t read most of them, I still just love looking at them.
And just to show how confused my mind can be, here is what I borrowed from the library: The Cale-Bitches’ cookbook, Put it in a Jar cookbook, the Danish poet Michael Strunge Complete Works (which is over 900 pages) Everything Everything (a teen love novel) and Mindfulness for Parents. So there’s that for me to read. Amongst of course a million children’s books that my daughter wanted to borrow, which we will never read and probably get a fine for, for returning too late.
And what the fuck does all this have to do with art and painting, you say?
Well, between deworming, handwashing, disinfecting, laundry-washing (90 degrees c. of course), handwashing, childcaring, handwashing, cleaning uping, handwashing, peppapigwatching and Oh oh did I mention HANDFUCKINGWASHING, well, I just haven’t had the time or the energy to do anything remotely creative, painting, drawing or other crafts wise. Of course, I know this is just a faze, and it’ll go over soon -especially now that the whole family is eating worm-killing-pills…
It is just a faze, like everything else with the kids. It’ll go over.
Right until a new faze starts.
Happy fucking Thursday everybody <3
Blogpost No. 1: 18th september 2019